One Moment More....

This is what I would have loved to have.. one moment more with my momma.
I will never forget her flatlined and then one big breath (one moment more)...13...




Lyrics:

One Moment More / Mindy Smith

Hold me
Even though I know you're leaving
And show me
All the reasons you would stay
It's just enough to feel your breath on mine
To warm my soul and ease my mind
You've got to hold me and show me now

Give me
Just one part of you to cling to
And keep me
Everywhere you are
It's just enough to steal my heart and run
And fade out with the falling sun

Oh, please don't go
Let me have you just one moment more
Oh, all I need
All I want is just one moment more
You've got to hold me and keep me

Tell me that someday you'll be returning
And maybe
Maybe I'll believe
It's just enough to see a shooting star
To know you're never really far
It's just enough to see a shooting star
To know you're never really gone

Oh, please don't go
Let me have you just one moment more
Oh, all I need
All I want is just one moment more

Oh, please don't go
Let me have you just one moment more
Oh, all I need
All I want is just one moment more
You've got to hold me and maybe I'll believe

So hold me
Even though I know you're leaving

Momma....

This will always be her song from me...




Song For Mama - Boyz II Men

lyrics:

You taught me everything and everything you've given me
I always keep it inside
You're the driving force in my life, ey, yeah
There isn't anything or anyone that I can be
And it just wouldn't feel right
If I didn't have you by my side, oh

You were there for me to love and care for me
When skies were gray
Whenever I was down, you were always there
To comfort me

And no one else can be what you have been to me
You will always be
You will always be the girl in my life
For all times

Mama, mama you know I love you (I love you, ooh, you know I love you)
Mama, mama your the queen of my heart
Your love is like tears from the stars (Yes, it is)
Mama I just want you to know
Lovin' you is like food to my soul (Yes, it is, yes, it, is, oh... oh... oh...)
(Yes, it is, yes, it is, yes it, is, oh... oh... oh...

You're always down for me have always been around for me
Even when I was bad
You showed me right from my wrong, yes, you did
And you took up for me when everyone was downin' me
You always did understand
You gave me strength to go on

There was so many times
Looking back when I was so afraid
And then you come to me and say to me
I could face anything

And no one else can do what you have been doin' for me
You'll always be
You will always be
The girl in my life, woo, oh

Mama, mama you know I love you (You know I love you, you know I love you)
Mama (Hoo), mama your the queen of my heart (You are)
Your love is like tears from the stars (Your love is like tears from the stars)
Mama I just want you to know (Ooh, mama I just want you to know)
Lovin' you is like food to my soul, oh

Never gonna go a day without you, ooh...
Fills me up just thinkin' 'bout you
I'll never go a day without my mama

Mama (You know), mama (Mama) you know I love you
(You know I love you, ooh... oh... ooh...)
Mama, mama your the queen of my heart (The queen of my heart)
Your love is like (Say your love) tears from the stars (Your love is like tears from the stars)
Mama (Mama) I just want you to know (Whoa, ma-mama, mama)
Lovin' you is like food to my soul (Lovin' you is like food to my soul)

Bom, bom, bom (Oh... ho... oh... oh...)
Bom, bom, bom (Yeah... yeah...)
(You are the food to my soul)
(Yes, you are)

Momma...

Just here at work, going through the 'old' entries from My Family that momma would write, the jokes, the smart comebacks, the kind/loving words/advise....etc.

I started to cry on this one...

This is in response to the passing of Danny Vallejo:

Lupe Rios Gonzalez - Feb 8, 2005
yes it must truly be Heaven there but may God forgive me, when it is my time to go home, the first person i wish to see is Ama...may God grant me that wish

Juanita Gonzales - Feb 8, 2005
I have a feeling that both she and Apa will be there standing beside God waiting to greet you and welcome you home.

Lupe Rios Gonzalez - Feb 8, 2005
thank u Juanita....such simple words to say but they say a lot when they come from the heart...Thank You!

Maria Chavez - Feb 9, 2005
I know how you feel - I can't wait to see Dad again but I also want to see Ama & Apa and especially the grandparents that I never got to meet - Dad's parents. That will be awesome. And just between me and you I want to see JFK and ask him "so what really went down?"

Lupe Rios Gonzalez - Feb 9, 2005
all jfk will say is marilyn lol
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This was in response to Beli's post about Daniela's 7th Anniversary:

Lupe Rios Gonzalez - Jan 12, 2005
wow Beli, u made me cry too....i love all my kids and it makes me feel so good in my heart when i read something like this....everytime i talk about them to people i feel proud to be able to tell them that they r always ready to help me in any way that i need.....not many mothers can say that about thier kids now a days and it is so sad what they r missing...THANK U FOR BEING THE PERSONS THAT U R...I LOVE U ALL.
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This is in response to WORD OF THE DAY:

Maria Chavez - Jan 13, 2005
my brain hurts

La Mira Rodriguez - Jan 13, 2005
I know the feeling! LoL

Lupe Rios Gonzalez - Jan 13, 2005
since when did u get a brain to know the feeling hehehehe

La Mira Rodriguez - Jan 13, 2005
oh yea, i forgot ...oops
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this was a response to Daniela's Mother's Day story:

Lupe Rios Gonzalez - Apr 12, 2005
Thank you mija, i had to read it twice because of the tears in my eyes....you could not have given me a better Mothers' Day gift...I love you too....from near or far, I will always love you and be here for you...

This is a response to Belinda on the same Mother's Day story:

Lupe Rios Gonzalez - Apr 14, 2005
to Beli, mija, i may not always show it or tell u, but i know you love me...it is so true that actions speak louder then words and your actions tell me just how much you love me....yes we argue, but what mother and daughter doesn't...but we do help each other as much as we can..we are always there for each other and i will always try my best to help as much and in any way that i am able....thank you for this mothers' day gift...it means more to me then any material thing....i love you beli and i hope you will never doubt it nor forget it

This is a response to me on teh same Mother's Day story:

Lupe Rios Gonzalez - Apr 14, 2005
Miranda, thank you too for this mothers' day gift...you will never know how much your words mean to me...i love all my kids, but i am Apa's daughter and don't show affection easy...but i love you all with all my heart and soul..i would give my life for you...and yes, it may sound morbid but i would even kill for all of you if i ever had too...all of you are my life, my contribution to this world and my legacy...all of you please never doubt for a second that i don't love you....i am here if ever you need me anytime you need me...now pleaseeeeeeeeeee stop making me cry...lol...love you all with my life
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This is in response to my Heave Ho' story from Chicken Noodle Soup book:

Lupe Rios Gonzalez - Mar 7, 2006
lmao....and if any of u ever get a high rise suv it better come equipped with a dang chain hoist lol....or one of those gigantic electric magnets and raise me up bye my leg lol...and u r soooooooo right Miranda PA'YA VAS TU lol

Beli Lopez - Nov 9, 2006 Viewers | Reply to this item Well, I finally got a high rise SUV (w/no chain hoist) and yes we had an episode this past weekend. Both me and Mija were laughing as mom tried to get into my SUV and I said "Heave" we both knew exactly what I was talking about. Mom, kept saying 'It's not funny" however finally after mom got in, we loaded the groceries and started back home, Mom laughed right along with us.
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There are sooo many responses funny and sympathetic and heart-felt from momma...These are just a few of so many responses.. I like to go back and reread them as often as I can....I can hear her voice when reading them and her laughter and seeing her face when laughing....I miss her so much...

No Time....

Well, this is the first week of no school..Nathalie has been over at her dad's since Friday...Mario's been here with me, since he has his football summer camp.

He said his legs are sore...they are running, lifting weights, working out from 8am til 10am or so...but I gave him money to get something to eat/drink afterwards since he has to walk home...but at times his friend will give him a ride.

On my way home from work today, I was listening to a CD that Mauricio had given me...which I haven't heard in awhile...One song on there started (gracias mama) and I just started crying...I started thinking that since my mom's passing, I feel I haven't really had time to mourn her death...I've been so busy and my mind has been so occupied with work things...I don't feel I have actually mourned her death. It seems so ironic that when she was alive, she has lived with Belinda and with Daniela, and not me...now that she has passed, she is at my house...I feel her presence and at times I hear her voice...I don't feel that she has gone, maybe that's why I have yet to actually mourn her death..to me she is still around...but this song got to me today, just out of the blue...

gracias mama - los horoscopos de durango

lyrics: Gracias Mama..

Como planta nací de tus intranas
alimenté de ti, muy cerca de tu alma
me encenaste a ver un mundo de ilusiones
amor, compresión, dichas y emociones

Tú eres para mí un ser muy especial
no hay otro amor igual al que siento por ti
me encenaste a distinguir el bien de la maldar
y a cambio de nada supiste a hacer mama

Gracias Mama por tanto que me has amado
Gracias Mama por lo que tú me has dado
Por siempre adquir cuando yo te llamo
saber disculpar mis faltas y pecados

Gracias Mamas por todos tus desvelos
Gracias Mama por estar a mi lado cuando he sentido miedo
por dame tu confianza y enseñarme con tu fe a tener esperanza

la que me supo criar y darme su carino
también es para mí lo más que yo he quierido
me enseñaste a distinguir el bien de la maldar
y a cambio de nada supiste a hacer mama

Gracias Mama por tanto que me has amado
Gracias Mama por lo que tú me has dado
Por siempre adquir cuando yo te llamo
y saber disculpar mis faltas y pecados

Gracias Mama por todo lo vivido
Gracias Mama por siempre estar conmigo
y encenarme a compartir mis cosas por igual
supistes a serme ver el valor de la amisted

Gracias Mama por tanto que me has amado
Gracias Mama por lo que tú me has dado
Por siempre adquir cuando yo te llamo
y saber disculpar mis faltas y pecados

Momma's Passing ...

This week has been very hard for us all.

Sunday, Feb. 8th at 3:40pm, momma went home to be with her parents and brothers. My Tia Julia had brought us tamales (the lady of the place gave them to her free of charge), rice and beans. Momma had her family by her side, including friends from the family.

Monday, Tuesday, went by in a blurr for me...

Wednesday was Momma's Rosary at Gonzalez Funeral home. We had friends and family from Ft. Worth come. Momma wanted a closed casket, so us three girls were there (Tia Julia too) before the viewing started at 4pm with the casket open. She (momma) looked so peaceful ... Daniela and I noticed a difference in her appearance, it didn't look like momma. The next day, Daniela sent me a text saying, that momma looked different to her because she didn't look sad. We had made a CD with songs that were requested by her online friends and it was playing while the viewing was going on. I even had my co-workers show up, all had contributed a monetary donation to help with momma's expenses...My Supervisor and Manager have been very gratious and understanding through this all. They have been very supportive and would always tell me to just take my time, take off of work as needed. Some stayed for the full rosary service and my Manager even attended the church service on Saturday afternoon. I just love this group...

Thursday and Friday I was in a daze .. (I was off of work all week)

Saturday, Feb. 14, 2009, was momma's church mass services.
We were about to leave, when I see a black car parking in front of my house.. surprise!!!..it was Moni (Lola) with Juanita, Moni had mentioned earlier that she wasn't sure if she and Tim could make the trip from down South...both came to drop off the food for after the services...(reception was at my house afterwards)
I arrived with Sabrina, Nathalie, Mario and Mauricio...there was still a wedding going on inside the church, so we had to wait til it was over. The church always looks amazing, Cathedral Shine of La Virgen de Guadalupe...When my cousin, Gene, arrived in the back of the church I saw him walking towards me (in front of church)...he tells me he has something for me to see.. so we walk back there and to my surprise, Chris and Rebecca made it in from Kansas!! Chris had said earlier that he would not be able to make the trip...I started crying, I know that momma wanted him there (he was to be a pall bearer). The services were great, we were able to get the Mariachis after all and they sounded awesome.. Momma always loved her Mariachis, Maria (cousin) got up to sing Hail Mary.. OMG, she was just awesome!! I know that she made momma proud, momma always loved the way Maria sings, she has a strong voice, just like her mom Ramona. Gene gave the eulogy, and all three of us just couldn't stop crying.. He did a great job on it, and momma picked him for a reason.. My cousin Juanita helped us with all the arrangements in regards to the church and the services.. she did an awesome job.. this wouldn't have come together as momma wanted without her tremendous help. After the services, everyone gathered at my place for food and support. I just about had half of my street full of cars...everyone was sharing stories and jokes, eating and drinking...Veronica showed up with her baby and sister -in- law...Amanda Rios showed up (Gene's oldest)...It was nice to see everyone upbeat and laughing.. just like momma had always told us..she didn't want anyone crying for her passing, she wanted everyone enjoying and celebrating.

After everyone left, me and my family, Daniela and hers, and Belinda and hers, all headed to Oklahoma, Choctaw Casino, along with momma's ashes..We rented 2 rooms and they were right next to one another!! The kids stayed in the rooms while the adults headed to the Casino up the road. We had planned this for about a week, since we know that momma enjoyed going to the casinos..even with just $10, she would still want to go. I came back with $400!!
We came back home on Sunday, we all had breakfast at IHOP and then we all went shopping at the Allen Outlet Mall.. them $400 came in handy!!

3rd week of hospitalization

This is the 3rd week of my momma in the hospital...

On Tuesday, Feb. 3, 2009...my sisters and I had a meeting with my momma's doctor to get an update on her progress...Dr. Desoyza said that she wasn't getting any better. Dr. Desoyza stated that her body has adjusted with the medication she is receiving for her blood pressure, but she cannot stay on that medication too long and without it her pressure will drop..also, her breathing is weak, without the machine she will probably only last 1-2 hrs breathing on her own. Dr. Desoyza also stated that our mom has now developed bed sores on her back from laying in bed all this time. Our mom has always told us that she didn't want to be kept alive on a machine. Dr. Desoyza stated that keeping our mom on the machine and keeping her sedated for times, she will be suffering. Her blood pressure medication is only for a limited time, she is on the highest level they can administer. After talking with Dr. Desoyza yesterday and us girls having time to talk, our decision is to have our mom removed from her machine on Sunday, February 8th. We found out she was born on Sunday, April 29, 1945...so we will let her rest on a Sunday.

This same night, after checking on my mom and while talking with her, I went through my usual questions, can you hear me, are you in pain, are you cold, and this time when I asked if she was tired, she nodded her head yes.. I started crying, because I knew that meant she was suffering after all this time. I know that she is a fighter and this has worn her out. Daniela asked if she wanted the machine/tube removed, and momma nodded yes...Daniela asked her, if she knew what will happen if they were to remove the machine/tube.. and momma didn't answer.

Daniela has made the comment that this decision would be much easier had my momma been brain dead ... but knowing that she can hear us and she answers us.. makes it so much harder.

On Thursday, February 5, 2009... when I was about to go to sleep that night, I had turned off the TV and turned off the light, get covered and feel this cool breeze on my face. I know it wasn't from my ceiling fan, because I leave that sucker on all the time.. and this was a cool fresh air type of breeze. (in my mind, it was my momma letting me know everything will be okay)

On Friday, February 6, 2009... I was planning on working 1/2 day... I mentioned to my supervisor about our decision for Sunday and that my kids didn't have any school and my supervisor said that I could take the day off to spend with my family and my momma...So that is what we did, I had Nathalie and Mario up at the hospital all day.. and Guicho arrived later that evening after work.

On Sunday, February 8, 2009...I had all my family there, me, all my kids, and Guicho were there all day with me.. Belinda and her family, Daniela and hers.. our aunts, cousins, friends...etc...

The time came to take momma off of lifesport...(she had tears)...I was holding her right hand with Daniela next to me touching momma's leg and Belinda holding the left hand. I just kept watching momma loosing her will to fight.. her heart rate was dropping ..so was her blood pressure...Belinda put a cell phone next to momma's ear and her friend from online was blessing her and guiding her...I see her heart rate drop to the 40's, her eyes are still opened with tears...then her heart rate dropped to the 20's...it seemed as if not even 5 minutes have gone by...everything was happening so fast... I looked up and she flat lined!! She takes one more deep breath .. heart rate raises to 13 and then straight to flat line....I lost it, and yelled.. "NOOOO... momma you can't ... NOOOO... momma !!" Then Daniela and Belinda both looked at the machine and both lost it... Daniela started hitting her husband out of anger .. they tried to get her to calm down with some juice and a chair... Belinda started balling saying.."Ama...nooo ... Ama". This was a very emotional day for everyone...

My momma was the youngest of 7 and the first of the girls to pass on...at times when I remember all that has happened to her, I feel as if I am reliving some things that she went through only reversed...

1. she was the youngest - I am the youngest
2. she had 1 son and then 3 girls - I have 3 girls then 1 son
3. she had bell's palsy on the right side of her face - I have it on my left side
4. she had circulation problem with her right leg - I have it on my left side
5. she had a granddaughter then grandson - I have granddaughter then grandson

2nd week of hospitalization

This is the 2nd week of momma being in hospital...

Spent all weekend at the hospital, day and night. Momma has been sedated but still coherent to what someone asks. She is getting angry that she isn't able to speak or take the tube out. She would roll her eyes whenever me and Daniela couldn't figure out what she was trying to tell us. She would move her hands, like she wants to write something. I gave her a pen and held a clipboard for her to write something, she wasn't able to write. We'd guess at things, and she'd get frustrated and angry. We did figure one thing out with her hand signal, she wanted to drink some water, but we told her that she couldn't drink at the moment with the tube in her throat. Then another day, Daniela asked if her head was itchy, and momma nodded yes.. so that was some progress on guessing what she wanted.

The Dr said that he has caught her twice, trying to remove the tube from her mouth. So she has had her arms strapped down next to her, to be on the safe side.

On Wednesday, January 28, 2009.. I was able to spend one more birthday with my momma. All of us were in the waiting room, and Belinda (sister) comes in and tells me and Daniela (sister) that Margaret (our favorite nurse) wanted to talk with us before her shift ended at 7pm. Belinda and Daniela went to my mom's room and I went in afterwards (RR first). As soon as I walked in both Daniela and Belinda started singing Happy Birthday...Belinda was next to my mom's head with a cake and I held my mom's hand and she was squeezing so hard, I knew that she was hearing them singing and she had tears in her eyes and of course I was crying as well.

On Thursday, January 29, 2009...one day after my wonderful birthday, on my way to work and RAMMMMM .. I get rearended on the freeway!! I have no idea where this car came from, and have no idea where he thought he was going, because traffic wasn't moving.. so why he was rushing.. I'm clueless!!

This is how the car ended up.. he just rammed up all under my rear bumper, causing damage to my gas tank, shock, floor panel, and bumper.. and because it was a chain reaction, I rammed into the car in front of me and broke his reflector on his rear bumper.. but damaged my front headlight and grill protector.. I called 911 and all three of us were waiting for the police, meanwhile, we exchanged insurance information... police got there and asked for our insurance/driver's licenses... then he points out that my insurance has expired!! I told him that I have the new one at home and can call my boyfriend to bring it to me, police officer said no, that's alright as long as the same policy # is on it... well I still had my boyfriend (Guicho) bring me the insurance. ..( I also called Belinda, thought she might still be in the Mesquite area)...Belinda came and officer asked if she was with me, I said yes.. I called her because she works for an insurance agency....so she was checking out the Jeep and the damage and what not.... then Guicho shows up, officer asked if he was with me, I said yes... officer commented, "You have people, don't you?"...We both laughed, and I got my NEW insurance card and showed him the policy #....

So I turn around and go back home, and notice that my muffler is sounding rough.. I call my supervisor and left her a message about me not coming in to work, informed of what has happened and that I will be contacting car rental places to locate a vehicle for the time being.

I contacted the dealership to schedule a time for their wrecker to come and pick up my Jeep. Then I called the guys insurance, luckily he had already called them ahead of time and explained what happened, so I just had to call them to get a confirmation # to get a rental on his insurance..booyahh .. get confirmation # and got a rental from Enterprise.

Long story short.. I had that rental for about 3 weeks!!

total cost of my Jeep repairs over $3600 !!!

1st week of hospitalization

This was the first full week my momma has been in the hospital.

I took off work on Tuesday and Wednesday (she was admitted on Monday).

I 've been on the same routine all week, take kids to school in morning, head to work, call Daniela to get an update, after work go straight to hospital and stay til about 10pm or so. Guicho would call me after he would get home from work and ask if I wanted the kids up there (nathalie/mario), so that he can take them up there to be with me and momma. Then he would take them back home if they left before I did. Every night I'd walk in my mom's room to check on her and to talk with her. When leaving every night, I'd go check on my mom and ask her the same questions, " momma can you hear me?", she would nod her head yes. I 'd tell her to squeeze my hand and she would. I'd ask her if she was in pain, she'd say no. I'd ask if she was cold, she'd say no. I'd ask if she was tired, she'd say no. I'd tell her when I was leaving, but would be back the next day after work and to get some rest.

Strange Feeling...

On this day, at 4:52am I awoke from my sleep with a feeling of peacefulness, calmness...just a feeling of ease (which I've never felt before). I checked the clock and laid back down to sleep, when my sister Daniela calls me at 4:55am saying that my momma had suffered another heart attack. I got up and headed to the hospital right away...I went to my momma's room and both my sisters were already there and a nurse. Daniela told me that momma did suffer another heart attack and that they were getting momma ready to take her upstairs to do her dialysis. We were all in there talking and joking around with momma (as usual). Around 7:15am the nurse said that they would be taking momma upstairs to start her dialysis and it'll take about 4-5 hrs. So me and Belinda figured, okay we can head to work and come back afterwards (Belinda works up the road and me in Addison) Daniela said that she would go home and try to get some sleep. Around 11am Daniela calls me to let me know that momma was still in dialysis. Then around 2:10pm at work, I get a call from Daniela(she was crying badly), I just said 'hey', and she started saying that momma was incubated, she couldn't breathe. I hung up and grabbed my things and notified one of my co-workers that I had to leave on emergency to please let our supervisor know..and headed out to the hospital.

I arrived to see my momma hooked up to a lot of bags/machines...Dr. Desoyza said that after her dialysis, momma started having problems breathing and he asked her to be hooked up to the machine, which momma said no. Dr. Desoyza said that she was arguing with him about the machine and he explained to her, that if she doesn't get hooked up she will die right then and there. So momma told him and the nurses to hook up the machine, but not for more than 30 days. (momma has always told us that she never wanted to be kept alive by machine, so we know that she was suffering trying to breathe on her own to change her mind)

Mauricio (Guicho) had called me after I left him a message, and told him what had happened (he couldn't believe what I was telling him).. he asked if I wanted him to take the kids (nathalie / mario) up there to be with me and momma.. I told him that he could ask them if they wanted to come and if they did, then yes he could bring them. (they all came that evening)

We all stayed at the hospital til late that night, Guicho took the kids back around 10pm and I left later that night. Momma was sedated.